"Redemption"  Part 9
By Ivy Bohnlein


     Rodimus felt his mouth fall open as the words sank in.
     Her expressions flickered between relief, regret, and anticipation.
Finally, she looked off into the corner with a nervous chuckle.  "Was... was
that clear enough?"  The vulnerability in her voice lingered in the space
between them, making him want to say something, anything, to comfort her.  
     But the words escaped him.  All he could do was stammer, "You... what?"
     "I'm not sure how else to say it," she replied, a note of dry sarcasm re-
entering her voice.
     "I'm pretty sure that was clear," he said weakly.
     Whiz straightened up as she turned back to him, a defensive look in her
optics.  "You don't have to sound so horrified."
     "Horrified?" he repeated in confusion, stepping over to brace his hands
on her shoulders.  The physical contact allowed him to feel an invisible
tremor through her frame.  She was.... trembling?
     To his surprise, she accepted his touch without shrugging him away.
"What else do you call this priceless reaction?" she asked sarcastically,
looking anywhere but his face.
     A wide smile broke out over his face, and a gentle chuckle escaped his
chest.  "You could try surprise, for starters."
     She folded her arms across her chest guardedly, maintaining an unsure
silence.
     Rodimus' smile faded, and he ran one hand over her shoulder gently.  "You
know me too well to be this afraid of me, Whiz.  I'd never do anything to hurt
you."
     Distantly, she added, "Not on purpose."
     A brief moment of confusion was followed by a recollection of his earlier
conversation with Arcee.  She'd never want to hurt him, either.
     Not on purpose.
     "But Whiz," he asked in protest, "how could I have done things
differently? I didn't *know*..."
     "Of course not," she said bitterly, the statement laced with unspoken
accusation.
      Irritation welled up, and his grip on her shoulders tightened
unconsciously.  "You're the one who kept this from me for eight million years,
you know."
     She made a dismissive noise.  "There was no point in saying something
when you couldn't put aside your perfect pink vision long enough to listen."
     "I loved her, Whiz," he said intensely, "I still love her.  But not to
the exclusion of everything else.  Maybe, if you had just *said* something..."
     She winced as his voice raised in volume.  Shoulders slumping, she drew
in upon herself, but somehow she still remained under his hands.  "I tried,"
she said, so softly that she was difficult to hear.
     He waited in stunned silence, thinking she would elaborate.  She didn't.
"But...?" he prompted.
     "At first," she began tentatively, "I didn't understand it.  I didn't
want to believe that things could change so much; I just wanted you to be my
best friend, like always. So I concentrated on helping you get over the attack
- you were so torn up, inside and out, and you had lost the Matrix..." She
sighed.  "And you talked so often about all the other losses, too.  Like
Arcee."
     "I never had a chance to say goodbye to her," Rodimus protested.  "And I
never had any *reason* to, Whiz.  You never gave me one."
     She cringed away from his interruption, the look in her eyes as pained as
if he'd actually struck her.  "Do you think it was easy to stay quiet?" she
asked softly.
     With a deep release of breath, he squeezed her shoulder gently in
encouragement.  "I'm sorry."
     She said hoarsely,  "I did try, though.  Once.  It was late at night,
while we were still on Junkion.  We'd fought off a Primmie attack, and managed
to uncover an old store of energon.  Everyone had been celebrating, and you
and I had gone into your office and started talking about the old times.
Before you left for Earth, and before Unicron came.  It was almost like we'd
gone back to the past."
     He smiled as the memory came back to him.  Come to think of it, that may
have been the last time he'd heard her laugh.  "I remember," he told her
gently.
     "And I felt so close to you... I decided that if there was going to be a
right time, that was it.  But as I was opening my mouth to tell you... " her
voice faltered.  "Just as I was about to speak the words, you looked up, you
looked right *through* me, and you said, 'I wish Arcee were here.'  I was
right in front of you.  But it didn't matter.  I wasn't enough."
     Realization dawned over Rodimus as he looked at her averted face,
remembering the moment, so long ago, when she had turned away.  The quick
flash of pain, the sudden cold silence, the steady advance of that icy wall
that had finally separated her from him completely... and a growing feeling of
regret for the ill-timed remark that had resulted in eight million years of
misunderstanding.  "I... I didn't know." 
     "How could I say anything after that?  Knowing that no matter what I did,
you'd always miss her?  But I keep feeling it without saying anything, either.
So... I locked it away.  I just buried it, so deep inside that I couldn't feel
anymore.  But it was too much a part of me to go away easily, and it ended up
taking everything that was good about me along with it.  I became this...
shell.  But at least I couldn't feel the pain."
     "But how could you do this to yourself because of me?" Rodimus protested.
"How could you make yourself so unhappy?"
     Whiz looked down at her feet.  "It just seemed better this way.  For both
of us."
     His lips turned up in a wry smile.  "In all this time, you couldn't think
of any alternatives?"
     She folded and unfolded her hands uncomfortably.  "After a while, I
suppose I quit trying."
     He slid his left hand down her shoulder to squeeze her upper arm, and
used his right to tilt her chin up so he could look her in the optics.  "It's
time to start trying again, Whiz."
     "You didn't come back here to spend your time dealing with old wounds.
Enjoy what time you have with her - I'll be fine."
     "There you go again," he mock-admonished.  "Why don't you just let *me*
decide what I want, okay?"
     "I've lived with this for a long time, though." She reached up to move
his right hand away from her chin.  "I don't need things to change." 
     He smiled, hearing the restrained hope in her voice that belied the
statement. Holding her hand firmly, he told her, "You're more important to me
than you know.  I don't need you to protect me.  Let me try to make up for
lost time.  Please."
     "But..." Her frustration was apparent as she withdrew her hand from his
and took a step backward to clear her head.  "It's not easy for me anymore,"
she said haltingly.  "I'm not used to it."
     Regarding her quizzically, he asked, "Not used to what?"
     "To caring.  Talking."  He could see her struggle against the instinct to
ice herself away, and he knew he had to encourage her.
     With a warm smile, he deliberately extended his hand to her, facing the
palm up invitingly.  "Then let me remind you."
     She looked at his hand as if she'd never seen one before.  "But we have
so many other things that have to be done."
     "We'll do them," he said firmly. "Together."
     Her unsure gaze traveled to his face, then back to his outstretched hand.
"But what about... her?"
     There was no need to ask.  "Let me worry about that."  There would have
to be a time when he could sit down and sort through the riot of thoughts and
emotions in his mind, but that was for later.  Right now, Whiz needed him.
"Now come on, are you going to take my hand, or do I have to stand here
looking like an idiot for another eight million years?"
     Her lips twitched, as if trying to form a smile after too long without
practice.  "Do I... Do I have to make a choice?"  There was an undertone of
insecurity in her voice, as if she were desperately hoping he would recognize
the joke.
     He rolled his optics and replied with a grin, "Great, you're going to
regain your sense of humor at my expense."
     "It seems to be a natural place to begin," she said, a bit more
confidently.  Her gaze returned to his offered palm, and she reached out, her
hand hovering above his.  "If you use this to give me an impromptu judo
lesson..."
     As she trailed off, his fingers brushed his.  He enfolded her hand
carefully and responded, "No, I'll just use it to do *this*."  With a gentle
tug, he pulled her closer and swept her into an embrace.
     Whiz's body stiffened at first, then slowly relaxed as she awkwardly
folded her arms around him and clasped her hands against the small of his
back.  "Oh.  I guess I can forgive you," she said weakly.
     A chuckle rumbled in his chest.  "You may as well.  I'm not letting you
go anywhere."
     She cautiously rested her head against his shoulder, and a feeling of
warmth slowly radiated out from the points of contact.  Unmoving and
unspeaking, they passed the next few moments in silent communion.
     Rodimus was the first to break the silence.  "You know," he said
thoughtfully, giving voice to his private musings, "Krystal was right."
     Whiz's head came up, confusion written on her face.  "I already knew
that.  My problem was just not being able to say so."
     He smiled distantly.  "No, I was talking to her earlier, after I had that
'discussion' with Arcee.  She told me that I'd changed Arcee in my mind over
time, always turning her into what I needed."
     He felt Whiz withdraw from him, even though she hadn't moved.  "You did,"
she replied flatly.
     "But Whiz," he explained, "Maybe it was just because I never knew that
what I needed was right here."
     "I couldn't tell you, Rodimus.  I couldn't stand to ruin my friendship
with you - and after that conversation, I thought there could never be
anything... more.  There was nothing I could say," she said with a small sigh,
unclasping her hands and taking a step back from him.  "So I guess I stopped
talking."
     "I'm so sorry," he said, tracing the sharp lines that time had written on
her face.  "I had no idea."
     She nodded, looking up into his optics.  "I know that, now.  I guess I
wasted a lot of time being afraid."
     "There's no reason you have to keep wasting time, you know." He smiled in
reassurance and welcome.
     "What can we *possibly* do now?" she asked in exasperation.  "We have no
idea what will happen to us when we finally finish our mission.  No matter
what happens, the only way you could *ever* love me is if Arcee dies, and I'm
here to *prevent* that.  The only thing I can do is talk to Krystal.  I have
to make sure she never tells me," she gestured to the still body in the
forcefield, "*this* me, how I feel."
     "What do *you* think will happen to us when we leave this time?"
     "I don't know," she said with a slight shrug of her shoulders.  "The odds
seem to favor oblivion."
     "Even if that's the case," Rodimus pressed, "Are you going to treat
yourself this way in what little time we have left?  We're not used to
*having* a future.  We've had to fight every day to make one for ourselves.
What kind of future are you going to make, Whiz?"
     She stared at him.  "But you..." she began to protest.
     "No," he interrupted.  "Don't use me as an excuse."
     There was a stunned silence, then she looked down at her feet.  "I want
to stop living this way."  Her voice was faint, but resolved.
     "Then stop," he said gently.  "I know it won't be easy.  But I'll be
here.  I'll help you try."
     When she raised her face to him, the blossoming of emotion on her
ordinarily expressionless face surprised him.  In a voice suffused with both
fear and hope, she asked, "Then.. could you feel.. the same way?  About me?" 
     He had to be honest.  "I don't know.  I wish I could tell you something
more than that, but, well, you took me by surprise.  A lot of things have,
lately."
     She gathered herself up and submerged some of the feelings that had been
on display across her face.  "I know.  You need time.  I just wish we had it."
     "But Whiz," he assured her, "I will always, *always* be your friend.
I'll be here for you, and nothing can change that."
     A smile returned to her face.  "Nothing," she agreed.
     "Besides," he said with a mischievous grin, "I've got so much practice
taking care of you that its become reflex."
     "Taking care of me?" she demanded.  "I recall things being the other way
around."
     His grin widened.  "Your memory must be flawed."
     Icy anger welled up in her eyes for a moment, but she banished it with a
chuckle.  "Since we're in the past, we could always find out for ourselves."
     Rodimus smiled in satisfaction.  "It's good to have you back, Whiz."
     "Or at least on my way," she said ruefully.  "I think I have some
apologies to make."
     Carefully, he suggested, "You could start with Krystal.  She's worried
about you."
     "I shouldn't have treated her the way I did," Whiz admitted.  "She
deserves an explanation, at least."
     "Maybe she can help, somehow."
     Whiz's voice was hard as steel, but at least it was no longer
bloodthirsty.  "She can help by not saying anything."
     "But if it's how you really feel," he asked cautiously, "will it make any
difference whether or not she tells you?"
     "I need to learn on my own, at the right time.  That way, maybe I'll be
ready to deal with it.  After all, things will be different now.  We're
changing history for them."  She glanced at the bodies in the corner, then
returned her gaze to him.
     "Well, if it's what you need to do, I won't stop you," he told her
gently.  "I can't stand the thought of you going through this again."
     She stepped forward and raised her arms, as if she were about to hug him,
then dropped them to her sides again with an embarrassed look.  "Maybe it'll
all be worthwhile," she said sheepishly.
     "Maybe," he agreed, taking the cue and hugging her instead.  "Let me know
how it goes."
     She nodded, disengaging and moving to the door reluctantly.  "I will.
I'll... I'll see you later?"
     "Of course.  I'll always be here," Rodimus promised.
     With a shy smile and a quick dip of her head, she was out the door and
gone, leaving Rodimus alone with his thoughts and the frozen, silent bodies of
their past.


    
[TBC]

*Note: Some of the lines from this and the previous part of "Redemption" are based heavily upon RP
 between myself and Rodimus Prime@2k5, whom I thank for the permission to use/modify poses and quotes.*

                Previous Part   -    Whizdom Central   -    Next Part